This is not mine, but a friend of mine wrote it in October and I felt like sharing it with all the people that read my blog but not my friends'
I've found a new source of entertainment in my world.
I went to Wal-Mart to buy the second and fourth seasons of West Wing in a constant war against my infinite amount of free time. Being that these were the only two items I had, I decided that the self-checkout line would be prudent. The three operation stations were occupied, so I got in place behind a guy and his wife who looked like they were about done. About twenty minutes later, the same three people were at the same three machines while the poor attendant scurried back and forth trying to walk these people through the process...it was like watching Helen Keller trying to teach Chinese to Ed Odgeron. It was so entertaining, I didn't even mind the wait.
The one guy right ahead of me was foiled by the dexterity required to operate the touch screen. Have you ever watched a really drunk person with fat fingers trying to dial a number on a cell phone with really small numbers? I'm just giving this guy the benefit of the doubt that he was sober, by the way, because it was the middle of the day and he was with his 4 year old daugther...but this is Vickburg, so that may have been a little too generous. He was pressing not just his tip, but the entire upper half of his finger against the screen, hitting about 5 buttons at the same time causing some sort of computer nervous breakdown.
The lady next to me had a cart that consisted of 2 boxes of Midol, 3 boxes of wine, Jett Magazine, 1 box of Stay-Free adult diapers and "Ski Trippin'" on DVD (and if you don't think I had time to really get such an accurate inventory, you're kidding yourself). Well, first of all, she didn't really understand the concept that each item has a bar code on it and that is what you have to swipe across the scanner. She just brought each item and sort of showed it to the glass, like she thought there was a camera in there and somebody watching what she was trying to buy. When this didn't work, she must've thought the camera was ignoring her, because she started tapping on the scanner with her ridiculously large Gail Dievers nails and eventually threw her package of adult diapers against the touch screen. Then, the poor Wal-Mart attendent, who was busy trying to fix whatever it was Drunkie Fingers had done to the other station, came over and explained the concept of bar code to the woman...again-- Keller, Chinese, Odgeron. She had pretty much mastered the basic scanning process until she got to the box wine and it asked her to verify she was 21. She then reverted to the camera in the glass theory and held her ID up to her face and smiled into the scanner like she was waiting for someone to snap her mugshot...once again the attendent somehow staved off the urge to commit suicide and came over to fix the problem.
By this time, Drunkie Fingers has somehow set a small fire at his station and managed to pull up child pornography on his touch screen...Ok, maybe I made that up.
The third person was a 75ish woman who had pretty much mastered the scanning and bagging process, but was paying for the rather sizable purchase with a wad of crumpled one dollar bills which she was trying shove into the bill accepter. She just sat there, undaunted by the constant rejections, like she was playing dollar slots...she'd put money in...sometimes she got money back, sometimes she didn't and then she tried again. I think she actually asked the attendent if she was the cocktail waitress and where the buffet was at one point.
Slow as the process was, the old woman won this Special Olympics shopping event and left her station. So, I strided confidently up to her station, scanned my two DVDs, swiped the card, and got my receipt. I then turned to Drunkie Fingers and excuted the the Hulk Hogan Pythons flex and yelled, "THAT'S how you check out, BROTHER!" I then grabbed a box of Midol off of Camera lady's stack, spiked it and proceeded to perform the Chad Johnson Touchdown Jig.
Then, I walked out like a conquering hero. You can now place Vicksburg Wal-Mart Self Check-Out Attendent on the list of Worst jobs on Earth right next to In and Out Burger Potato Peeler, Janitorial Staff at Tiger Stadium, Larry Flyntt's Ass Wiper and Governor of Louisiana.
